Family Constellations makes visible a bigger part of the story I consciously tell myself about my life, it externalizes the inner conflict. We perceive our world through the lens of the culture, country, and family we were born into. To this we add life experiences and emotions, expectations and attitudes.

If I hold a particular story about my mother, that she didn’t want me, and even tried to abort me, it is difficult for love to flow between us. I am hurt, and “right” to be angry with her.

In a constellation, I see that my mother was not supported by her mother when she was pregnant with me, that she was “stuck” in her teenage years.

A stuck pattern is like one way traffic inside you. You can’t change the direction that the traffic goes – it’s only going one way.

The first step is to “see” that the traffic is going one way only, (in constellation language, to make visible the unconscious stuck patterns which are created from a space of misdirected love)

The process of watching the constellation through representatives distances you from the “problem/issue” and enables you to “see” in a different way, like viewing a street from the second floor.

From this space, insights and changes can happen….


I can now move to my mother, and say with growing awareness of love (which was covered by the pain):

“You are the right mother for me.” I have the possibility of internalising different images. (from one storey up – excuse the pun 🙂

We can experience the amazing gift of loving deeply in our families, as dysfunctional or eccentric as they are, without wanting things to be different. We love our families deeply anyway, but this love gets covered by the stories through which we filter the love.